A “Crazy Person” Talks About His Guides.

Ghost?! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, to talk about my spirit guides is a bit difficult for me. For the longest time, any mention of it to anyone of being able to hear something such as a spirit that is helping me, especially when I was younger, was met with fear and admonishing. Punishing in the like. People were afraid of them and that made me afraid. With a father who is mentally ill and coming from the place that any sort of voice hearing was tantamount to being psychotic, it was tough to be able to find some appreciation and respect for hearing these ‘guides’. I had no terminology for them. I just called them ‘them’….

So when I was diagnosed with the same mental illness as my father and sitting in the hospital beds, as I have, I would hear my guides and they would be there to get me out of a tough situation, but when I mentioned them to the doctors, I was put on a higher dose of one medicine or another. No one believed that there was a real entity there that was helping the ‘crazy person’… It was rather difficult to deal with and now I am stuck here with the fears and confusion to sort out about what is right and true for me and how that relates to the whole.

When I heard there was a thing such as a ‘guide’ I just HAD to find out what they were. I HAD to know. I had to figure out if I had them and in my temporary amnesia, I had forgotten that I had always had these voices and didn’t really need to do anything. But despite this, I went through book after book of trying to decipher and figure out something that was pretty much already an intrinsic part of who I am/was. I had to figure this out the hard way, I guess.

Now, here I am and I still have some of the same fears. What if I am crazy? What if this voice is bad? What if they are right that this voice only wants to hurt me? What if it is a hallucination? I don’t know. I don’t think it is those things, and so I fight with myself. It is weird and probably one of the dumbest things I have ever done. I don’t take the time to trust myself and who I am and I don’t take the time to have reverie and respect for the value of the true loving spirit that is out there for me and is my ‘divine right’ as a human being. It is weird.

It is hard to come out and tell people about something like this, particularly with my perception that only ‘crazy’ people hear these voices. That only ‘weird’ people and people who were on the fringes were the ones who were talking about and hearing these things. The old stereotype of the evil gypsy and the scheming psychic who try to take your money and do evil things crept up and I was left not sure that I wanted to be me. It was tough.

It’s a ghost! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now, I channeled and am channeling every once in a while and I did it pretty much publicly on here, but I don’t think that was such a smart thing either. With all the talk of the government and spies and all of that, I don’t think that it was the safest thing to attempt and come out, even if it is to the spy bots of the internet. I don’t know. I think it was some dumb choices on my part, but it led me to here and here is okay, for the most part. I have an understanding about it all that I wouldn’t have had any other way and I am now trying to seal it all into my brain that it is okay to have these guides and these helpers. It is weird.

It is good to have them though. They do help me and they always have a way to make me feel better. They are perfect for dealing with depression and even fear, if I am open to it. Channeling really helps me to problem solve all sorts of detestable problems and that is so good for me. I do love them so and I hope to be able to work with them in some better, more clear way that is safer for me and everyone involved, whatever that means.

I am trying and working on this stuff all the time and I think I push it too much so often. I am learning some of the hardest lessons in these terms and there is the whole collective unconscious thing of people being burned and tortured on stakes and the like in days gone by that makes it fear inducing for me. I really do believe in past lives and I feel that in some of these lives, I was tortured and punished for working with these types of ideas. I don’t know. It is so much to deal with and take on mostly by myself. But I am working on it and learning more about it each day.

I hope you are able to deal with this in a better manner than I have.